Blog
Your turn… Take a minute to step outside yourself, then look inward…. Answer what you want… HERE
How I Met My Stepdad
Every time I was faced with the fact that my mom was "available" to date, I was confronted with the agonizing reality that my dad was dead. It had been less than two years since that November day in 1988. He was perfectly fine; coaching my soccer team, eating Cheerios for breakfast every morning, video taping my swim meets with his oversized RCA VHS Camcorder, and running out to the hardware store, always making an extra stop for our favorite Entenmann's Crumb Coffee Cake.
And then one Saturday, he was gone. He just died. Suddenly. Immediately. Without a warning. A heart attack with blockage in a critical artery, nicknamed "the widowmaker".
Impermanence.
We are humans acting as a container to hold the fragile elements of loss alongside the robust nature of survival. We are strong and resilient in our coping and bearing the weight of grief, while maintaining the reality that death is the human condition. We make vows of forever and we hold expectations of security and safety of unchanging stability, while acknowledging that the grasp on immortality leads to suffering and change is unavoidable.
So, is impermanence something to welcome?
Do we appreciate life more when we reflect on the fact that life will not last forever; that we will not get this day to do again?
Do we approach each day with more gratitude when we become intimate with the fact that our days are actually numbered?
Do we cherish the moment when we become keenly aware that each moment is fleeting?
Do we then not take little things for granted?
Mind the Gap.
Our trauma-laden bodies and minds are so enveloped in the fear of sitting still with any pain, that we keep moving to keep from feeling.
The detriment of not minding the gap may not be apparent right now, but it will rear its head, either by seeping in slowly, with incremental, cumulative impact, or by taking you out in an abrupt fashion, a wrecking ball of destruction to pierce open and expose the raw cavern that is within the crack of not minding the GAP.
Love in the Little Big Things.
We can look at the most driving measures of success in life, and when they are achieved without someone to love, they are deemed failures. Why? Because deep down, we are moved by the little things; the meaningful things; the connecting things. We are in it for the share. Because humans long to be more fully alive; and we feel alive when we know love, connection, meaning, and belonging.
Little things. Big things. Don’t miss them. Love.
Shadow.
Maybe your shadow is the companion you crave. Maybe your shadow is an expression of the light that exists, despite any amount of darkness that amasses from the unavoidable hardships of this life. Maybe your shadow is appealing to be seen- not cast out. Maybe your shadow can be accepted and embraced and loved. Maybe you can feel just a little more complete, with your shadow as a trusted part of you.
Shadow. Light. Here. Always with you.
“It is what it is.”
“It is what it is.”
Like true love.
Not explainable by words or even feelings or emotions. It just is.
This is the counter to our suffering. 5 short words. 12 letters.
And with this statement, we can accept and embrace the most beautiful synchronicity in depth of love, and at the same time, the most heartbreaking grief in fragility of loss.
Paradoxes of Relationship & Love.
~ "To live in this world, you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go." -Mary Oliver
~ Love is simple, and is so complex.
Paradoxes of Life.
The reality of impermanence highlights the human condition that everything changes, nothing is guaranteed, or truly predictable; nothing is solid, or promised to remain.
Dropping the tendency to grasp and control can actually make us feel safer and more secure in the ever-changing waves of life. This is a paradox because it is our human nature to grasp at what might leave; to cling to what we fear as loss...but as we are able to let go and let be, we find freedom, safety, comfort, and ease.
A Favorite Word…
LIGHT is shine. LIGHT is open. LIGHT is ease. LIGHT is unburdened.
The feelings conjured up by light are more profound and palpable than the mere construct of light as in a ray of sun or an incandescent bulb.
And yet, images of light reveal a visual display that has the power to open all my senses, invoke exhilarating energy, and summons my memory bank…
We have all had turmoil and struggle. We have known grief and loss, and joy and connection. We have known strength and have felt the fragility of life itself. And despite what we face, we still have the power to choose how to be in this moment. We have the choice to carry the heavy load of bricks, or to lay it down. We have the choice to trudge through the depths along the muddier road, or to walk the lighter path. We have the choice to see only clouds of darkness, or to set our vision on the light. We have the choice to be burdened by effortful strain, or to simplify and release. We have the choice to retreat in avoidance, or to lighten in love.
On Breath Training.
This is a discipline. It is not a hack. It is your biology. It is your neurochemistry. It is your precious, sophisticated, intricate system- designed to be leveraged to maximize body function, mental resilience, and emotional regulation; and to optimize health and performance.
This chronic bath of cortisol sends the message to your brain that you are “preparing for some attack”, so, be alert…
And your intelligent brain reads:
DON’T SLEEP- (are you having insomnia or trouble sleeping??)
HOLD ONTO WEIGHT- STORE WHAT YOU CONSUME, JUST IN CASE (are you having trouble managing stubborn weight??)
CONSERVE ENERGY FOR BATTLE (are you fatigued and low energy??)
Bottom line: just BEING in a state of chronic stress response is impacting your entire system.
As Little...or As Much...
There comes a point to which we peak at diminishing returns... excessive anything will end up breaking us down. White knuckling through, squeezing every bit of energy into something, marching through the trenches without regard for grace, or ease, or peace in body or mind...our physical system is overcharged, overcome, overwhelmed. We don't stop to breathe long enough to actually let out our exhale. We hold on tighter, we push harder, we move faster...But we can choose to get lighter.“
Do as little as needed, not as much as possible.”
This is not lazy. This is not procrastination. This is not slacking. But for those of us with decades of compounding overexertion, who have been perpetually training right at the edge- hypervigilant, ready-for-action, overscheduled, pumped up with adrenaline- this is certainly a mindset shift.
The Orgasmic Embrace of Love.
Orgasmic. Get your head out of the gutter...the word doesn’t necessarily relate to sex. But we can start there... what makes orgasm so vital, so inexorable, so compulsory? How do we relate to that word, that concept? The allure, the potency... It must be compelling beyond the account of “it feels good.”…
Whatever moves you to orgasmic… allow it to fill your senses, fuel your passions, invigorate your soul, inspire your words, animate your life…
I will write the quote again; the orgasmic words; a description of love as the pivot point of life; love as the hinge upon which life swings…
Distracting.
These demons that we numb to escape are like wounds that we don’t really heal…they are applied band aids and Neosporin and even sutures, in the form of our distraction protocols… and they scab, and then re-open, and then we feel the ache of discomfort and the drip of blood emerge- and we do the only thing we know… distract, ignore, avoid, and sabotage...
Our big escape from the big wounds also distracts us from the full experience of a full life. This is a fullness in joy and an openness in deeper love and connection. Numb is numb. Distracted is distracted. Not just from the tough stuff, but from the sensual, moving, alive stuff too. Do we want to miss this?
Obsessing.
However obsessing landed, it postured as a protector- a way of doing something about everything, of figuring it out “perfectly” to ensure that I would not again be caught off-guard or threatened, or feel failure or regret, or endure fearful moments of intense loss or panic.
If I worried about everything, played out the worst-case scenario 4-million times, researched every possibility and outcome, then nothing could rock me. The illusion of control.
Dramaturgy.
In this year of much disruption, we may all be questioning our reality a bit. We go through our hours and days and years in our humanness, wanting to believe that our story is solid, but in reality, letting go of our narrative can lead to freedom from some suffocating constraints and self-imposed limitations.
Our assigned roles have become identities, and might just be out of date. Our costumes are like prom dresses from the 80's. Our sets are like paper mache that we slathered with smelly glue in second grade. Our lines have been practiced and reiterated since arguing over a new toy with our sister. Our stage lights are dim, in need of new bulbs to illuminate our inner vibrance that has been kept obscured by our typewriter-keyed scripts.
Anniversary.
365 days into this pandemic, and many additional pivots later, most just as abrupt and unannounced and unpredictable as this anniversary moment... the vastness of this full human experience is something too large to even reflect upon in words on this page.
Deeply feeling the persistent suffering in the world, I offer these thoughts, practices, and succinct directives as an invitation to turn toward healing and connection...
Judgment.
We judge. We label. We recount. We project. We catastrophize. We personalize. We distort.
Our labels and judgments are often turned on ourselves, and often turned on the situation in which we land, either judging it to be “my own fault” or judging a person or situation that has “wronged me”…
We can get so caught up, that we don't realize we are using this judgment as an escape from reality; as a means of coping to not truly feel; avoiding our inner pain by harsh critique and sabotage; reinforcing our “failings”; relying on old models of how things "should" be…
But we are not stuck in judgment.
Endurance.
But, habitual and automatic patterns might also have our mindset framed as, "I will be better when I'm on the other side of this."
We accept this state of mind, and we often use it to help us cope- with an overbearing project at work, with a tough run, with a too-long visit from in-laws...
Perhaps we do this even in full chapters of life- a job that isn't well suited, a disagreeable teenager, a home in need of repair...
Reverse Engineering Our Brain.
I can text the words, "I love you" from 1000 miles away, and can change your heart rate, breathing rhythm, pupil dilation, and metabolism.
Or you could me text something ambiguous like, "is your door locked?" and affect my nervous system in a negative way.
The language centers in our brains, responsible for processing incoming data in the form of symbols (words), are integrated into the same regions that are critical in autonomic nervous system control (respiration, cardiac, endocrine, immune systems). Our intertwined neurons make language a direct influencer on our body's reactions.
Epic habits to make your routine flow.